I can remember sitting here two years ago. I can remember the anxiety I felt when I thought of the time and work I would need to put in to complete this process. But here I am. I did it.
You never know in that very instant what will happen, but you’re told to just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I have never been too good at that. I worry at all times. I worry about money, career, relationships, but why? We are given this one life to live and it is up to us to live it through healthy and strong, which immediately eliminates worrying. I have learned so much these past two years. In a lot of ways, I have found myself. I realized that if you continue to settle and force yourself to reside in a toxic environment, you will only create havoc in your life. I worked for a toxic person. He was miserable, irresponsible and dishonest. But I continued to do it, day in and day out until I finally walked away. That day was the beginning of my new journey and so far, so good. I began student teaching and came to the realization that my calling had always been in the classroom. I could not steer away from wanting to become a counselor because I had told myself I could not change career paths, it was not allowed! Why wasn’t it allowed? Who made that rule? You are never too old to realize what you want. Not that I am old, I mean I am 26 for gods sake. That shows just how much of a worrier I can be, considering myself old at 26? Good lord.
The bottom line is, there is never a “too late”. I would rather struggle everyday looking for a teaching job then sit unhappy in a career I never wanted. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that isn’t possible because anything is. Life and love is all you need. Live it.
**This one is for my best gal Kayla. Inspiring me to put my words out there again.**
Young, adolescent me.
As I sit here, 25 years old and starting these big steps in my life,
there are so many things I would love to tell the young, adolescent
girl I once was. I would tell that girl who spent her days wondering
when her life would begin, to live in the moment and don’t rush. I
would tell her that she will go through high school and make life-long friends, attend college, meet more amazing people, and fall in
love. I would tell her that she will find a true best friend, and not one who will come and go but one who will always be there and who will teach her so much. She will help shape her into the person she is today. I would tell her that she will face obstacles that seem impossible, but she will overcome them and it will make her stronger. I would tell her that her parents will become the people she will aspire to be, they will always be her foundation. I would tell her to let go of the petty fights she has with her sister, for her sister will always be the person who will always be by her side. I would remind her to never hold onto the negative, little things because they will cloud all of the amazing things surrounding her. I would tell her that no choice is ever permanent, that she can make the changes that are best for her.
But if I could rewind just a little bit further I would tell that young girl, 10 years old and running around camp, to pay close attention to the faces around her. To broaden her horizons and remember those people. I would tell her to remember that little boys face, because in 14 years he will change her life. I would tell her that with that, she will find a second family that will remind her just how
amazing people can be. I would tell her that all of the times she felt she may end up alone, if she is patient, love will find her and she will never turn back.
But most of all, I would tell that young girl to always be patient,
follow her dreams, and to teach her heart out!
Blah blah blah..
I’ve reached that point. You feel like you just do too much for other people. I know it sounds selfish, I can hear the heavenly doors closing on me now. Seriously though, my whole life I’ve been a people pleaser. I’ve constantly tried to do anything possible to keep the peace and make others happy. I get a heavy heart when I haven’t reached out to people in a while. I’m realizing though, I just care too much. It gets exhausting. While this most likely will not change because I was raised to never be selfish and to always think of others feelings, There are still plenty of times I wish I could just say fuck it! Time for me. But lord knows if that day comes, the grounds gonna shake.
You know you’re in love with somebody when you wake up next to them, comfortable despite your breath smelling like the week-old water at the bottom of a vase, when you are terribly excited to see them, to talk to them again, having missed them after all that sleep.
New addict of Breaking Bad. Onto Season 3 in a week!
New TV Crush! Aaron Paul.
How is this still an issue?
I often keep my mouth shut on topics like this. As a proud daughter of two gay parents I keep my opinions to myself because more times than not I want to pounce on people and shake the ignorance out of them. Instead I sit back and I defend when necessary because I have realized that people are going to have their opinions and people are not always going to agree with me. I can’t help but let it out now. All of this Supreme Court news is driving people up the wall. It is still a fight, which is someting I cannot even begin to understand seeing as though we are in 2013. People do not want gay marriage legalized because why? If I was a young child growing up in school with two gay parents (as I was) right now, how will you explain to me that my parents do not have the same rights as everyone else? I thought we were past the point of telling certain people that they can and cannot have equal rights. How do you explain to a child that their parents love is not recognized? It is unfair. I have had two moms for more than half my life. 15 years to be exact. They have raised me better than most children with a father and a mother. My step mom has raised me better than my father ever could have. So when will all of that be enough? When will it finally be just another couple choosing to prove their love to each other? Come on people, get over it. I’m just so sick and tired of it.
We can all wish sometimes.
I’d like to think many of my wishes are heard. I’d definitely call myself a dreamer. I dream of a better world. One where I don’t hate my job quite as much as I do. One where I live in a pretty house with a good husband and a happy life.
I’m starting to feel like I do too much. Like all in all my good deeds may be a loss for me. I bust my ass most days to go out of my way. I drive all over the place and I bend over backwards but I just don’t know. I’m starting to burn out. I want it to pay off in the end.
I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.
I feel like I’ve always loved him, and now I just got lucky enough to find him.
The future is always growing…
We can live day to day and let the smallest of things get to us. We never stop to smell the air, or recognize the beauty of the things around us. We’re so quick to point fingers and stress ourselves out so bad that we forget about the positive things we enjoy day to day. We forget about the privileges we have, where so many people in other parts of this world and even in this country don’t have. We, even for just one simple second, forget about the family we have that love us so much, or the friends, or for the luckier bunch of us- the boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife. It is so easy to complain or dwell on our past, but did it ever occur to us that it is just as easy to push it to the side and move on? Nothing in life is permanent and it is up to us to make changes or push ourselves to do better. We are our own voice and our own heroes in the end. So tomorrow I will wake up and I will hug my mom, I will tell my family and friends that I love them, and I will let that boy know just how much he’s changed my life. Because in the end, life is simply a time clock and every minute we waste, is a minute we could have been living.